How Unlikely

Let’s just say that I never wanted kids. Well, what I mean is that I insisted that I would never have them. This was my stance for most of my life. As a child I never really got into the whole “baby doll” thing. I preferred Barbies – she could be anything she wanted to be, and I wanted that same freedom. I really believed I would be a career woman. Fancy suits and all…think Heather Locklear in Melrose Place LOL!!!!
In my teens I ranted and raved that kids weren’t for me. I was much too selfish, too independent, too caught up in my own head to ever imagine caring for another human being.

In my early 20′s I was still too selfish. Partying all night and sleeping all day were my main interests. I was far too self destructive to be responsible for myself, let alone a newborn. And my god, the thought of raising another teenager like me? NO NO NO!
Then I went back to college and loved all the structure. The never ending projects kept me busy and distracted. The goal of a psych related career kept me interested. But a career in academia (after a long long time in grad school) was not at all conducive to having a baby. I only dated guys that did not want children….

Fast forward to 3 years ago (well a little more). I met Peter. He was the most loving and attentive guy I’ve ever dated. He loved kids, and kids adored him. For some reason, that started my biological clock a’ticking. He amazed me in his ability to get down to a child’s level (both literally and figuratively). My niece would crawl all over him and cry when he left. This was when I knew that he would be the father of our child.

Even though I now considered the possibility of kids (well KID, singular), I was terrified of the reality of being pregnant and then being a mother. Would I ever really feel like a mother? Would I be able to be selfless?

Summer of 2008 I went off The Pill. We weren’t “trying” to get knocked up, but we weren’t “not trying”. I mean, I’m not a child, I don’t think that jumping jacks after sexin’ is a valid birth control method so I guess we did it “accidentally on purpose”.

My pregnancy was easy…physically. Mentally…that was another story. I went from one extreme to the next. I was scared and not totally convinced that we should go through with it. This was up until our baby was born. I know I wanted The Babe, but there was a whole lotta emotional upheaval along the way.

I’m still amazed by our new addition…and huge life transformation (and honestly, I’m still a little in shock. I look down at Alexa sometimes, and it just HITS me…I’m a MOM!).
An Unlikely Mama at that